Gabrielle d'Estrees, 1594

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Trapped in the Closet

Have you ever been trapped in a bad sexual situation? I’m sure most of us have. But depending on the seriousness of the situation, it could be either tragic or hilariously funny. And because I don’t feel like dealing with tragedy today, here are a few stories I consider to be the latter:

A friend of mine had been seeing a guy for a few weeks, and while she really liked him, she could feel that their relationship was already coming to a standstill.  It was either bad sexual chemistry or a personality mis-match - but whatever the reason, this guy decided to cut ties with my smitten friend.  Devastated and desperate to get back with the “love of her life,” she unexpectedly found herself being consoled by her ex’s less attractive friend. While she knew the situation was a little odd, she was also lonely and on the rebound. So she welcomed this new male attention.  One night, she invited her guy-pal over for a “therapy” session and the two chatted late into the night.  This guy was feeding her all the right lines - “he’s really missing out” and “Any guy would be lucky to have you”… And this of course led to a passionate kiss, followed by a trip to the bedroom.  After some foreplay, the two decided to seal the deal. But part-way through, her guy abruptly stopped and said he had to run to the bathroom.  Leaving the girl alone in her bed, she waited… and waited … and waited. Fifteen minutes had gone by before she finally got up to check on him. Knocking on the bathroom door, she heard no response, so she forced open the door and was surprised to see no one in the bathroom – just an open window. Maybe it was the guilt of hooking up with his friends ex, or maybe it was just another case of bad sexual chemistry… But to this day, she still doesn’t understand why this guy jumped out her bathroom window to escape sex with her. 

Another friend had his very own R-Kelly Trapped in the Closet chapter.  He had been fooling around with a girl for a few months - and this girl had a boyfriend who played on the college’s division one-hockey team.  Whenever the hockey team would win a game, my friend and his hookup knew her boyfriend would be out partying for the night.  So, they made it a habit of having wild, passionate sex whenever the team would win. Needless to say, my friend became a big fan of his school’s division one hockey team that season.

One particular night, after a team victory, my friend headed over as usual for a late night rendezvous.  The pair had great sex but soon after finishing, the girl heard her boyfriend come into her apartment. He was back earlier than expected.  So she freaked out and asked her nakee boy-toy to hide in closet while she dealt with her drunken 6’4’’, 250 lb boyfriend.  Quietly waiting in the closet, my friend figured it was only a matter of time before she sent her boyfriend on his way.  But after talking things over for about 15 minutes, the room got quiet and my friend – unable to see what was going on outside of the closet door - wondered if the couple had left.  As it tuned out, they hadn’t. They were actually in the middle of foreplay. And then, to my friend’s horror, the couple began having  wild sex in the bedroom. Still trapped in the closet, my friend, (who’s bladder was also on the verge of bursting), sat in the closet naked, listening to this girl moan in ecstasy as she rode her drunken boyfriend.  The sex went on for two whole hours and it seemed pretty clear that this girl had forgotten about her other guy entirely.
Finally, when the couple calmed down and the sex sounded like it was done, he slowly opened the closet door. Noticing the couple had fallen asleep, he quietly grabbed his clothes and made a run for the door.  He never called that greedy booty-call again.  


  1. Hi, I really loved this post. Particularly, the part about the guy in the closet lol. I had a friend who wound up having a fling with her boyfriend's (married) friend, while they were on the outs. I guess breaking up isn't so good for your self esteem. The most amusing moment I ever had during sex is when my beautiful Persian cat climbed on my beau's back and refused to move. That was pretty funny.

  2. Haha! Cats can be pretty pesky during sex!