Gabrielle d'Estrees, 1594

Thursday, December 23, 2010

'Tis Better to Give Than Receive?

As kids, most of us were taught the general principal that its better to give than receive. Ironically enough, we put extra stress on this notion during the holidays, when the snotty little kids are demanding every single toy they see put under the tree.  As a kid, I was always taught that Christmas was about giving. And even though I love that sprit, I also looked forward to the receiving end of it.  Funny thing about a lot of kids receiving gifts on Christmas - All they have to do is make a list of the things they want and if their parents can afford it, they grant those wishes (most of the time). Sure, it sounds a little selfish thinking about it now. But I also think its kind of a genius approach to life…and better yet, sex.  Giving is great, but sometimes you have to receive!

I’ve heard countless stories from both men and women who seem to have the same dilemma - women are not enjoying sex the way they could be.  Why you may ask?  I think that women are givers by nature.  I’m sure we all know (or at the very least have heard of) a mother who puts her kids, her spouse and everyone else important before herself.  Its actually pretty common for us to care more about others than ourselves.  And I think this holds true for our sex lives as well. Sexually, women are great at giving but we seem to shy away from really taking it - Taking it like a man!   A lot of guys have told me that while their partners give them the best pleasure they’ve ever felt, they’re bothered because when they want to return the favor, she refuses.  So what’s the deal ladies? 

We should rely on our male partners as our sexual allies - ready and willing to help us receive pleasure.  Many of them really want to pleasure us. I know a bunch of guys who actually get off seeing their lady in her moment of bliss. So this holiday, I want to encourage ladies to make a list… and check it twice. A sexual wish list of what gets you nice. I know (or at least hope) that you’ve given a lot to him this year. ‘Tis the season to have the favor returned to you.  

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

XXX-Mas Ornaments

Christmas Eve is this Friday! And while I know most of you already have your Christmas trees (or Hanukkah bushes) trimmed (not an innuendo), there's always extra room for a few pornaments to spice up your holiday! These are a few of my favorites.

 San Fransisco doesn't usually get snow... but look what happens when they do!

What did you think he did the other eleven months of the year?

I love it when two sex symbols untie. In this case, John Wayne meets King Triton. Works for me!

Oh look... its a Jack-off-in-a-box.

Some one's Snow ball-and-gagged Santa! But don't worry... I think he likes it.

I know a few guys that would get off just looking at this ornament!

The only disclaimer about a Candy Cane Stripper Pole is to lick at your own risk afterwards.

Super sexy... if you're into Gingers.

Only to be hung on a fake tree.

I know one stocking that's sure to be well hung!

If you're into these, want to see more, or want to buy some of them, they can be ordered here.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

F***able Figure Skaters

With winter around the corner, I'm getting ready for one of my favorite winter activities: Ice Skating. Aside from watching Skating with the Stars, I actually used to be a competitive figure skater (used to being the key words). I had a lot of role models in the sport growing up. Now I can look back at them and not only admire how talented they are, but how sexy some of them were. Here are a few of my favorites:

Sasha Cohen
Sasha always came off as the innocent "school girl" type. But a lot of my guy friends think she's super sexy. As she's gotten older, she's take a few provocative pictures (like the one above) and has started to get a little more risque. I'd love to call her the Brittney Spears of Skating, but I'm still waiting for her panty-less crotch shot.

Johnny Weir
The true Queen of Figure Skating (In my opinion at least).  Not only does he make his own sequened costumes, but he looks better in them than most females.  He's sassy and makes no apologies. He's a bit of spice on the ice.

Evan Lysacek
He's a 2010 Olympic Gold Medalist and yes ladies he's straight!  He won TV's Dancing With The Stars last season so we know he can move his hips on and off the ice!

Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto
I wanted to include at least one couple on this list because ice dancing is pretty much choreographed sex. And while these two aren't a real life couple, they have great chemistry and they're both really hot. If there's one couple I'd love to see have sex on the ice, its these two.

Surya Bonaly
 I couldn't find any information on Bonaly's sexual orientation although the French Native did have a cameo on Will and Grace... Hmmmm. Other than that, she's known for her notorious backflip on the ice. Makes me wonder what she can do in bed...

Katarina Witt
Witt certainly wasn't the best skater in the 90's but she was definitely one of the hottest. Think Anna Kournikova on ice.  The difference? In 1998, Hugh Hefner invited her to pose on the cover of playboy and we're still waiting for Anna's pics. 

Kurt Browning 
Kurt was one of my crushes growing up even though he had two strikes against him--he was balding and he was Canadian.  (Kidding)  He's also known to please a crowd (and a lady or two). 

Rudy Galindo
Rudy Galindo is my favorite figure skater of all time.  I think of him as the Prince of figure skating... not as in royalty. As in the semi-flamboyant, purple draped, sex bomb singer. But Rudy is actually gay.

Tonya Harding
To my knowledge Tonya Harding is the only professional figure skater to release a sex tape.  True, its not the hottest video on the Internet, but her husband (at the time) Jake Gillooly had a nice 80's porn star look going on.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tales of Homemade Sexual Aids

Now that the holiday season is well under way, many of us are finding that we need to tighten our belts in terms of spending.  So what happens to our sexual appetite?  Do we stop having sex because we can’t afford to buy our sexual amenities?  How can we get the biggest “bang” for our buck sexually when we are virtually broke?  Here are a few stories about some friends who didn’t let their lack of funds rain on their sex parade. Rather, they found household remedies to cure their appetites.

One friend had been dating her boyfriend for a couple months and sex was fairly new with them.  Anyone who remembers this stage of their relationship knows about the burning sexual desire felt during that “honeymoon period”.  One night, when things started to get hot and heavy, this young teen quickly realized they had no protection and no money to buy any.  I’m sure many couples would have made the risky decision to just “raw dog” it, but this safe and creative couple had another last resort.  They searched the house for any “tools” that could assist them in safe sex.  They were in the kitchen when her boyfriend had a sexual epiphany (It’s a wonder what men can do when they have sex on the brain).  He grabbed a Gladd trash bag, wrapped it around his Willy (…talk about a magnum condom) and claimed he was ready for action! His girlfriend was open minded (or maybe just horny) enough to give this trash bag sex a shot. So they got it on with some help from (what I used to consider) one of the least sexy items in my house. The next time you find yourself horny and without protection don’t get mad… get Gladd!

A male interviewee was once in desperate need of some masturbation aid. It seemed the planets had aligned and fate frowned upon this poor guy as he found himself at home alone with no lube, no lotion and was fresh out of soap.  Hmmm… if only he had an apple pie… Anyways, everyone knows that nothing gets between a man and his masturbation. So he began to search the house. Olive Oil was one of his first choices… but he worried it would be too messy and could stain his Egyptian Cotton sheets if he wasn’t careful. So he moved on to the bathroom. Opening the medicine cabinet, he noticed the baby powder. For years it had given him relief, taken away his foot odor and just given him peace of mind.  He would now find another use for it. He poured some on himself and then went to town.  Initially, it was just soothing and felt good. But after about a few minutes, the powder combining with his crotch sweat turned the texture of the powder into doughy substance.  He reapplied fresh powder and kept at it.  Repeating the process a few times, he was actually able to finish. But coming out of the moment, he realized he had a giant wad of dough in his hands. He jumped up, ran to the sink (pants around his ankles) and washed the dough down the garbage disposal, careful to get rid of it all. That was one recipe for dough he hoped was never baked.

I want to close by saying that I don’t actually recommend any of the procedures that were used in these stories. These are last resorts for the broke and the brave. And while I admire these resourceful warriors of sexual desire, don’t complain to me if baby powder masturbation gives you a UTI… or if trash bag sex gives you a yeast infection. That’s the last thing you need this holiday season.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Saving Ryan's Privates

Over my holiday break, someone mentioned a downloadable computer game called "Privates". They said it would be right up my alley (in terms of subject matter, at least) and boy were they right! Privates, (developed by Zombie Cow Studios) is an old school side scrolling game that takes place inside of a woman's vajayjay (along with some other parts too).

Yes... Those are pubes...
Basically, you take control of a tiny little Marine leader and his squad as they tackle their most treacherous mission yet - cleaning out the disease infested body of some wild young woman (I like to imagine them helping one of the Jersey Shore cast members). Each solder is equipped with four different types of treatments (depending on what disease they're fighting) and come prepared with little condom helmets. The game is informative, but I wouldn't go as far to call it educational. Its really just hilarious.

Hold back those sperm!!!
Its too bad that this game wasn't allowed to be released on Xbox Live as the subject matter was a little too risque. But it is available for download on your PC - and from what I've heard, its a pretty good game (although there is one especially challenging part with a morning after pill and trying to hold off a huge wave of sperm) Never the less, if you're into sex (which most of you are) and into video games (which some of you are) this could be your dream come true! Who wouldn't want to blast away some virtual gonorrhea?

For a better idea of the game, check out the trailer below. And if you want to download it, click here for a link.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Crazy Clever Condoms

Yes, its hump day again... but December 1st is also World Aids Day. Hump day is great, but safe sex and HIV prevention is even more important. Here are some harsh statistics: 33.4 Million people are living with HIV worldwide.  20% of people living with HIV in the US are Undiagnosed and have no idea they have it.  The most common way HIV is passed is through having Unprotected Sex.  So what better way to raise awareness than a post dedicated to condoms!  These days, there are all kinds of condoms for all kinds of people. Here are some great examples to make sure your sex lives stay fun and safe!

Video Game Condoms
Combine his two favorite things: Sex and Videogames! The best part is that each condom has its own clever little title. So weather it's a game of Donkey Shlong or Sextris, you know you're going to have a good time.

Condom Earrings
These convenient earrings make sure that hot little mess at the bar doesn't leave home without proper protection. Plus it cuts right to the chase and lets guys know that sex is an option.

Astronomy Condoms
No matter your sign, these Zodiac condoms will make sure your future is STD free!

Coca-Cola Condoms
Guys: Tired of ladies being turned off when they see that condom sticking out of your wallet? This soda can condom pack ensures that your intentions are kept discreet until you're ready to make your move.

Hello Kitty Lollipop Condoms
It's sweet that they have Hello Kitty condoms, but I think Hello Pussy is a more appropriate name for her at this point.

Political Condoms
No matter your political affiliation, everyone should practice safe sex! 

Karma Sutra Condoms
Clever packaging that doubles as reference for a fun new karma sutra position. Study the pack, slip it on and try it out!

Candy Condoms
Flavored condoms always bring a new element of fun to the bedroom. With these candy flavored condoms, you can turn your guy into a tasty peach flavored lollipop! To drive to point home, it even looks like the bubblegum I used to get when I was a kid.

 Click here to find a clinic where you can get a free HIV/STD  test in your area.