Gabrielle d'Estrees, 1594

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tales of Male Masturbation

Cartoon by David Baldinger

Masturbation: Nearly everyone does it. And everyone that does it, loves it. No matter your sexual experience or orientation, chances are that masturbation is a common and healthy part of your sex life.  In my travels, I have only me one person who claimed not to masturbate. And to be honest, I didn’t believe him. But as common as masturbation may be, how, when and where we masturbate is unique to us. Here are some uncommon stories about this common occurrence.  

During their awkward, adolescent youth, two of my guy friends had a sleepover. Like most horny twelve year olds, the pair stayed up late searching through the channels for any sort of porn they could find on TV.  After some careful browsing, they settled for Skinamax.  Not the best choice, but at twelve I guess you take what you can get. Once the selection was made, both of them got under their covers (in their own beds) and started to masturbate.  I’m not sure how long they went for, but I’m guessing they both finished pretty quickly – they were only twelve.  And when they were done, they moved onto the next best form of male entertainment - videogames. To this day, the pair are still good friends. While they don’t discuss what happened that night regularly, it came to the surface once, after a few drinks. But it makes me wonder how common something like this is. I know I personally never experienced anything like this. But I wonder if other people have. During that strange adolescent stage where masturbation is still something new and we haven’t quite figured out what the proper etiquette is… I could see this being more common than I thought.  As I’ve mentioned before, I strongly encourage reader feedback – Message me privately if you want. Have you been in a similar situation? If you have, and you don’t find that story weird, this next raises the ante.

While attending the wedding of an old college friend, one of my gay male friends decided to share a hotel room with an old fraternity brother.  After a long 5 hours of drinking, they retired back to their hotel room and turned off the lights. I don’t know exactly what prompted the straight frat brother, but he suddenly NEEDED to jerk off. So he politely asked his friend in the other bed if it was okay to quickly rub one out before he fell asleep.  Needless to say, it didn’t bother the gay guy – at least he didn’t mind hearing his friend (who had a girlfriend back at home) while he masturbated in the dark. But his former frat brother’s session kind of got him hot too. So after a few minutes he started choking his chicken.  And once again, we have two guys in two separate beds tending to their own separate needs.  Until the gay guy finished early and asked the other guy if he needed some assistance.  A few seconds of hesitation was followed up “Well… I could use some soap”.  My gay friend dashed over to the bathroom, lathered up his hands proceeded to assist his frat brother into what he called “Gay initiation”.  After he finished, a deep silence feel upon the room and my gay friend returned to his bed.   He tried to confide in his frat brother about his sexuality, but the straight male wanted no such conversation.  To this day, the two are still friends and have not mentioned that night since.  The straight guy still has the same girlfriend (they’ve been together five years now) and I’m sure she has no idea about his little gay adventure.  Although now my Gay friend thoroughly insists that he doesn’t think his frat brother is gay… He was just a straight guy, tying to get by (or off) with a little help from his friend.

My last story has an equally awkward back-story. About a year ago, one of my more impulsive friends fell fast for a new guy. It was only a matter of time before she asked him to move into her apartment and was even considering running off with him to the west coast. However, the nature his work had him constantly traveling. During one of his longer trips from home, she got bored (and probably horny) and decided that she was done with him. She called him up, broke it off and hooked up with someone else that night. Needless to say, when her ex came back home he was upset for a number of reasons. But worst of all, he didn’t have any other place to go. So this impulsive girl decided that her ex could stay on the living room couch until he found a new place. Over the next few weeks, a lot of emotional distress filled that apartment. But it didn’t stop the girl from throwing a party one Saturday night. She invited a bunch of friends and even a few other ex-boyfriends. A lot of booze was brought. And a lot it was downed by her former boyfriend (or new roommate.) As the night went on and the party died down the remaining guests took the party from the backyard to the living room. Now, I’m pretty sure it was the alcohol that made her ex suddenly pull his penis out. But I think it was just raw sexual frustration that made him masturbate in the middle of the living room. This was obviously enough to kill what was left of the party. Not to mention any spark that was left in their relationship. But in his defense, they were all sitting in his new bedroom.

So obviously this week’s theme is male masturbation. Strange… I originally wanted to write stories on masturbation in general. But looking through my archives, it seems I just have a lot more in the male category. I don’t know why that is. Maybe its convenience: The fact that guys can whip it out anywhere, at anytime – at a sleepover, after a wedding or even during a party. Hmmm… I have to admit, I’m kind of jealous. But men, with great power comes great responsibility. So by all means, keep masturbating. Just do it responsibly.

And for last week's stories, click HERE


  1. i have a story about a female friend of mine who masturbated in a jacuzzi with a baby carrot that i could share as a part of your blog if you want...