Gabrielle d'Estrees, 1594

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Let's Eat Out!

The female orgasm is a complex thing. And while our partners may not know exactly how to touch us the way we do, they do have one advantage: They can use their tongues. But eating out a woman isn’t always easy. I’ve met some selfish men who actually refuse to do it entirely. Well, today’s stories are those of the selfless.

A friend of mine developed a crush on a waitress from our local Applebee’s. Actually, it was less of a crush and more of a sexual mission. While he knew her personality sucked, she was undeniably sexy. So he decided that he NEEDED to have sex with her. The two started talking one night and it actually led to a date. It also confirmed his suspicions that she was a total bitch.  So their dinner conversation the next night was just as miserable as he had thought it would be… in other words: Bad, but still bearable enough for him to stay for the sex. But there was no sex that night. She, however, had a decent enough time to warrant a second date… Which of course meant he had to endure another dinner in order to get what he so desperately desired. It was during this second date that he was able to pinpoint his problem with her. She was a complainer: The kind of girl who had something negative to say about everything. Still, she was just hot enough that the sex would eventually make it worth his while. But there was no sex that night either. And so they went out again… and again.

Listening to his waitress bitch about everything from her job to her social life ensured that each night was more miserable than the last. But with each night he got closer and closer to his goal. And then the night finally arrived; all of his hard work paid off. He took her back to his mom’s house (which was free for the evening) and things started heating up on the couch. And when the sex finally came, she stayed true to her nature – she complained. He was sweating too much, it was dripping on her and the whole thing was a turn off. But he didn’t let that stop him from getting what he needed. And being a polite gentleman, he decided to return the favor afterward. But as he started moving south, she continued to complain. Now guys, I know it’s hard enough to work your magic down there. So to have a girl complain about your hard work while you’re busy really… blows. And my friend thought so too, as this was the final straw. In the middle of her complaining, he picked his head up and asked her to leave. And they haven’t spoken since. But let this be a lesson to a lot of guys out there. No matter how sexy she might be, a bitch is a bitch… in and out of the bedroom. Plus it makes trips to Applebee’s twice as awkward.

One couple that had been dating for a while decided to take a trip to New York City for the weekend. The girl hadn’t been to New York in years and wasn’t as familiar with the city as her guy. So he carefully planned their Saturday to hit up as many New York landmarks as possible. It was a difficult trek as the pair dashed from place to place. And the August heat didn’t make things any easier. Toward the end of the day, the couple made their way through Chinatown and toward Little Italy for dinner. It was a great end to the day... and it led to sex back at the hotel room. But she was so tried, she could barely move. So he decided to warm her up with some tongue gymnastics down there. His nose was suddenly distracted by the smell of lo mien and pork fried rice with a hint of rotting fish. It didn’t take much detective work to realize that it was coming from her vagina.  And he couldn’t help but accidentally blurt out between gags “You’re vag reeks like Chinatown”.   She was shocked and immediately found the energy to jump out of the bed and into the shower, washing off the Chinatown stench.  Here’s some advice guys: stay away from that area after workouts, hikes around New York or any other strenuous activity. She doesn’t need to have visited Chinatown to smell like it…

One of my interviewees boasted being master of pleasuring women. While I don’t know how true this statement is, he did share a story that at least shows his persistence. He and his girlfriend at the time had great sexual chemistry. She always satisfied him and she seemed to enjoy the sex as well. But there was one problem: she wouldn’t climax. He got her to the "edge of the cliff" several times by going down on her. And while she would scream in pleasure each time, her legs muscles would tense up and close right before the grand finale. This woman must have been using the Thigh Master or something because when her thighs wrapped around his neck, it put enough pressure on his windpipe to nearly kill him. Each time, he would pull his head out and catch his breath while she apologized. It was a natural, uncontrollable movement that she only wished she could stop. This happened over and over again, night after night. He would attempt to eat her out and her legs would try to kill him. But he finally got some inspiration while in the bondage section of a sex shop. He purchased a bunch of leather straps and the next night, tied her legs up before going down one her. While he claimed her strength was nearly enough to break the straps, they held (thankfully) and she finally got that orgasm. And if there’s one useful thing I can take from this story, its that if I’m not happy with a guy’s work down there, rather than complain (or hear him compare it to Chinatown), I could always strangle him with my thighs and blame it on muscle spasms. 

For Last week's stories of "Male Masturbation" click here.


  1. I think i just threw up in my mouth... I'm gonna drink 4 4locos real quick and drive fast on the highway!

  2. I can imagine the next incredible B movie is going to be a female serial killer who murders with muscle spasms. I'd watch it.