Gabrielle d'Estrees, 1594

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Hookup Horror Stories

Can’t believe Hump day is here already!  As promised I have another set of kinky, and strange stories from your bedrooms and boy are these wacky!  I realized after writing this today, these are actually more like horror stories from the bedrooms of various women.  But it is October, so what better way to welcome this spooky month? Anyways, these stories are mostly about hookups gone bad. And while no one likes sex to go wrong, it’s important that we at least look back and laugh.

As you might guess, most of these stories start with a few too many drinks. And this one is no exception. At a party one night, my tipsy friend grabbed a guy she had been eying and pulled him into the closest bedroom.  They started making out and as always, one thing led to another. Her guy so debonairly excused himself to grab a condom from a friend and when he came back, the two got down to business.  However, she quickly sobered up as she began to feel some discomfort down there. Suddenly she realized that there was still a tampon in her from earlier that day.  So she freaked, threw him off and ran into the bathroom, hoping her tampon hadn’t been lodged into her small intestine.  Her fear grew when she couldn’t seem to reach the string.  After a few minutes of blindly searching, she started to cry and called for a friend. This brave and noble girl calmed her friend down and coached her, telling her to breathe in and out as they slowly but surely worked the lost tampon out of her vagina. In a way it was like giving birth. Normally, tampon commercials brag about how their tampons are so comfortable, “you won’t even notice.” Well ladies, that doesn’t always work in our favor.

I recently heard another strange story from a willing participant.  She told me that she met a guy who was nice, good looking and had a great body, but still far from Prince Charming.  He was a 30-year-old bag boy who lived with his mother. Not to mention had also been convicted of manslaughter years before.  But she appreciated his honesty was able to look passed his flaws.  After about a week of dating, the couple went back to his mother’s basement and things got hot and heavy.  As she unzipped his pants and began fondling, she instantly realized something wasn’t right. She just couldn’t seem to put her finger on it… or rather put her hand on it. But then she realized her guy had no balls. And that’s not a figure of speech. He literally didn’t have balls. Or at least any that she could find.  Her guess - He was a juice head and the roids made his balls shrivel up like a couple of raisins.   To think, the guy was so honest about his rocky past, he couldn’t have mentioned that his balls are missing?  But never the less, the relationship ended there so she unfortunately never found out the true reason.

The last story is my favorite and by far the most gruesome.  So please, read at your own discretion.
One of my interviewees had an amazing first date. In fact, the date went so well that they ended up back at her house.  The sexual chemistry between these two was undeniable.  After some passionate foreplay, the giddy guy shoved his un-kosher cock into her. And while she was ready for it mentally, her body hadn’t gotten the memo yet.  Then he let out out a blood curdling scream.  Quickly pulling out, he looked down horror. He was hysterical; more terrified than she’d ever seen anyone in her life. His penis wasn’t just bleeding. She described it as a “super soaker.” Ouch! I’m not a guy, but I still get queasy trying to visualize that. Needless to say, their kinky night was ruined and now he had to get to a hospital.  So she threw her clothes back on and they rushed to the emergency room.   Before going in, her new date begged her to call his mother. And while she wasn’t thrilled by his request, she worried it may have been his last judging by the amount of blood he’d lost. So she did it. She called his mother and broke the news that she had unwillingly circumcised her son.  After an hour or so, the doctors wrapped his penis up and the bleeding stopped. Despite a bumpy first date, they actually went out again after he healed up.  And they kept dating for another two years after. I guess if they survived that, they could make it through anything. 

And so another hump day comes to an end. Hopefully we all learn something from these stories. Ladies, no matter how drunk you get, don’t forget about that tampon.  And guys don’t rush it. Make sure she’s ready and warmed up. And also, don’t become a 30-year-old juice head that still lives at home. Your balls might fall off.  I’ll be back next Wednesday with another set of stories.

And for last week’s stories, click here.

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