Gabrielle d'Estrees, 1594

Thursday, December 23, 2010

'Tis Better to Give Than Receive?

As kids, most of us were taught the general principal that its better to give than receive. Ironically enough, we put extra stress on this notion during the holidays, when the snotty little kids are demanding every single toy they see put under the tree.  As a kid, I was always taught that Christmas was about giving. And even though I love that sprit, I also looked forward to the receiving end of it.  Funny thing about a lot of kids receiving gifts on Christmas - All they have to do is make a list of the things they want and if their parents can afford it, they grant those wishes (most of the time). Sure, it sounds a little selfish thinking about it now. But I also think its kind of a genius approach to life…and better yet, sex.  Giving is great, but sometimes you have to receive!

I’ve heard countless stories from both men and women who seem to have the same dilemma - women are not enjoying sex the way they could be.  Why you may ask?  I think that women are givers by nature.  I’m sure we all know (or at the very least have heard of) a mother who puts her kids, her spouse and everyone else important before herself.  Its actually pretty common for us to care more about others than ourselves.  And I think this holds true for our sex lives as well. Sexually, women are great at giving but we seem to shy away from really taking it - Taking it like a man!   A lot of guys have told me that while their partners give them the best pleasure they’ve ever felt, they’re bothered because when they want to return the favor, she refuses.  So what’s the deal ladies? 

We should rely on our male partners as our sexual allies - ready and willing to help us receive pleasure.  Many of them really want to pleasure us. I know a bunch of guys who actually get off seeing their lady in her moment of bliss. So this holiday, I want to encourage ladies to make a list… and check it twice. A sexual wish list of what gets you nice. I know (or at least hope) that you’ve given a lot to him this year. ‘Tis the season to have the favor returned to you.  

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

XXX-Mas Ornaments

Christmas Eve is this Friday! And while I know most of you already have your Christmas trees (or Hanukkah bushes) trimmed (not an innuendo), there's always extra room for a few pornaments to spice up your holiday! These are a few of my favorites.

 San Fransisco doesn't usually get snow... but look what happens when they do!

What did you think he did the other eleven months of the year?

I love it when two sex symbols untie. In this case, John Wayne meets King Triton. Works for me!

Oh look... its a Jack-off-in-a-box.

Some one's Snow ball-and-gagged Santa! But don't worry... I think he likes it.

I know a few guys that would get off just looking at this ornament!

The only disclaimer about a Candy Cane Stripper Pole is to lick at your own risk afterwards.

Super sexy... if you're into Gingers.

Only to be hung on a fake tree.

I know one stocking that's sure to be well hung!

If you're into these, want to see more, or want to buy some of them, they can be ordered here.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

F***able Figure Skaters

With winter around the corner, I'm getting ready for one of my favorite winter activities: Ice Skating. Aside from watching Skating with the Stars, I actually used to be a competitive figure skater (used to being the key words). I had a lot of role models in the sport growing up. Now I can look back at them and not only admire how talented they are, but how sexy some of them were. Here are a few of my favorites:

Sasha Cohen
Sasha always came off as the innocent "school girl" type. But a lot of my guy friends think she's super sexy. As she's gotten older, she's take a few provocative pictures (like the one above) and has started to get a little more risque. I'd love to call her the Brittney Spears of Skating, but I'm still waiting for her panty-less crotch shot.

Johnny Weir
The true Queen of Figure Skating (In my opinion at least).  Not only does he make his own sequened costumes, but he looks better in them than most females.  He's sassy and makes no apologies. He's a bit of spice on the ice.

Evan Lysacek
He's a 2010 Olympic Gold Medalist and yes ladies he's straight!  He won TV's Dancing With The Stars last season so we know he can move his hips on and off the ice!

Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto
I wanted to include at least one couple on this list because ice dancing is pretty much choreographed sex. And while these two aren't a real life couple, they have great chemistry and they're both really hot. If there's one couple I'd love to see have sex on the ice, its these two.

Surya Bonaly
 I couldn't find any information on Bonaly's sexual orientation although the French Native did have a cameo on Will and Grace... Hmmmm. Other than that, she's known for her notorious backflip on the ice. Makes me wonder what she can do in bed...

Katarina Witt
Witt certainly wasn't the best skater in the 90's but she was definitely one of the hottest. Think Anna Kournikova on ice.  The difference? In 1998, Hugh Hefner invited her to pose on the cover of playboy and we're still waiting for Anna's pics. 

Kurt Browning 
Kurt was one of my crushes growing up even though he had two strikes against him--he was balding and he was Canadian.  (Kidding)  He's also known to please a crowd (and a lady or two). 

Rudy Galindo
Rudy Galindo is my favorite figure skater of all time.  I think of him as the Prince of figure skating... not as in royalty. As in the semi-flamboyant, purple draped, sex bomb singer. But Rudy is actually gay.

Tonya Harding
To my knowledge Tonya Harding is the only professional figure skater to release a sex tape.  True, its not the hottest video on the Internet, but her husband (at the time) Jake Gillooly had a nice 80's porn star look going on.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Tales of Homemade Sexual Aids

Now that the holiday season is well under way, many of us are finding that we need to tighten our belts in terms of spending.  So what happens to our sexual appetite?  Do we stop having sex because we can’t afford to buy our sexual amenities?  How can we get the biggest “bang” for our buck sexually when we are virtually broke?  Here are a few stories about some friends who didn’t let their lack of funds rain on their sex parade. Rather, they found household remedies to cure their appetites.

One friend had been dating her boyfriend for a couple months and sex was fairly new with them.  Anyone who remembers this stage of their relationship knows about the burning sexual desire felt during that “honeymoon period”.  One night, when things started to get hot and heavy, this young teen quickly realized they had no protection and no money to buy any.  I’m sure many couples would have made the risky decision to just “raw dog” it, but this safe and creative couple had another last resort.  They searched the house for any “tools” that could assist them in safe sex.  They were in the kitchen when her boyfriend had a sexual epiphany (It’s a wonder what men can do when they have sex on the brain).  He grabbed a Gladd trash bag, wrapped it around his Willy (…talk about a magnum condom) and claimed he was ready for action! His girlfriend was open minded (or maybe just horny) enough to give this trash bag sex a shot. So they got it on with some help from (what I used to consider) one of the least sexy items in my house. The next time you find yourself horny and without protection don’t get mad… get Gladd!

A male interviewee was once in desperate need of some masturbation aid. It seemed the planets had aligned and fate frowned upon this poor guy as he found himself at home alone with no lube, no lotion and was fresh out of soap.  Hmmm… if only he had an apple pie… Anyways, everyone knows that nothing gets between a man and his masturbation. So he began to search the house. Olive Oil was one of his first choices… but he worried it would be too messy and could stain his Egyptian Cotton sheets if he wasn’t careful. So he moved on to the bathroom. Opening the medicine cabinet, he noticed the baby powder. For years it had given him relief, taken away his foot odor and just given him peace of mind.  He would now find another use for it. He poured some on himself and then went to town.  Initially, it was just soothing and felt good. But after about a few minutes, the powder combining with his crotch sweat turned the texture of the powder into doughy substance.  He reapplied fresh powder and kept at it.  Repeating the process a few times, he was actually able to finish. But coming out of the moment, he realized he had a giant wad of dough in his hands. He jumped up, ran to the sink (pants around his ankles) and washed the dough down the garbage disposal, careful to get rid of it all. That was one recipe for dough he hoped was never baked.

I want to close by saying that I don’t actually recommend any of the procedures that were used in these stories. These are last resorts for the broke and the brave. And while I admire these resourceful warriors of sexual desire, don’t complain to me if baby powder masturbation gives you a UTI… or if trash bag sex gives you a yeast infection. That’s the last thing you need this holiday season.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Saving Ryan's Privates

Over my holiday break, someone mentioned a downloadable computer game called "Privates". They said it would be right up my alley (in terms of subject matter, at least) and boy were they right! Privates, (developed by Zombie Cow Studios) is an old school side scrolling game that takes place inside of a woman's vajayjay (along with some other parts too).

Yes... Those are pubes...
Basically, you take control of a tiny little Marine leader and his squad as they tackle their most treacherous mission yet - cleaning out the disease infested body of some wild young woman (I like to imagine them helping one of the Jersey Shore cast members). Each solder is equipped with four different types of treatments (depending on what disease they're fighting) and come prepared with little condom helmets. The game is informative, but I wouldn't go as far to call it educational. Its really just hilarious.

Hold back those sperm!!!
Its too bad that this game wasn't allowed to be released on Xbox Live as the subject matter was a little too risque. But it is available for download on your PC - and from what I've heard, its a pretty good game (although there is one especially challenging part with a morning after pill and trying to hold off a huge wave of sperm) Never the less, if you're into sex (which most of you are) and into video games (which some of you are) this could be your dream come true! Who wouldn't want to blast away some virtual gonorrhea?

For a better idea of the game, check out the trailer below. And if you want to download it, click here for a link.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Crazy Clever Condoms

Yes, its hump day again... but December 1st is also World Aids Day. Hump day is great, but safe sex and HIV prevention is even more important. Here are some harsh statistics: 33.4 Million people are living with HIV worldwide.  20% of people living with HIV in the US are Undiagnosed and have no idea they have it.  The most common way HIV is passed is through having Unprotected Sex.  So what better way to raise awareness than a post dedicated to condoms!  These days, there are all kinds of condoms for all kinds of people. Here are some great examples to make sure your sex lives stay fun and safe!

Video Game Condoms
Combine his two favorite things: Sex and Videogames! The best part is that each condom has its own clever little title. So weather it's a game of Donkey Shlong or Sextris, you know you're going to have a good time.

Condom Earrings
These convenient earrings make sure that hot little mess at the bar doesn't leave home without proper protection. Plus it cuts right to the chase and lets guys know that sex is an option.

Astronomy Condoms
No matter your sign, these Zodiac condoms will make sure your future is STD free!

Coca-Cola Condoms
Guys: Tired of ladies being turned off when they see that condom sticking out of your wallet? This soda can condom pack ensures that your intentions are kept discreet until you're ready to make your move.

Hello Kitty Lollipop Condoms
It's sweet that they have Hello Kitty condoms, but I think Hello Pussy is a more appropriate name for her at this point.

Political Condoms
No matter your political affiliation, everyone should practice safe sex! 

Karma Sutra Condoms
Clever packaging that doubles as reference for a fun new karma sutra position. Study the pack, slip it on and try it out!

Candy Condoms
Flavored condoms always bring a new element of fun to the bedroom. With these candy flavored condoms, you can turn your guy into a tasty peach flavored lollipop! To drive to point home, it even looks like the bubblegum I used to get when I was a kid.

 Click here to find a clinic where you can get a free HIV/STD  test in your area. 

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Sexual Moments in Star Wars

While I'm deeply saddened by the death of actor Leslie Nielsen, Hollywood lost another legend this past weekend: Director Irvin Kershner. During his career, Kershner directed a Robocop movie as well as a James Bond movie. But there's no doubt he was best known for directing the The Empire Strikes Back - arguably the best film in the entire Star Wars saga.

I wanted to start this week off by honoring Kershner (and the Star Wars fans in mourning) with a list of the "Most Sexual Star Wars Moments" But I'm no Star Wars expert. So I've brought a guest writer to help me out (my boyfriend, Ben Famiglietti). With his vast knowledge of geekdom, he was actually able to pull together a list of the five most sexual moments in the Star Wars movies - which actually aren't all that sexual. Never the less, here's the list!

5:  No Bras in Space

   I know Princess Leia isn't the hottest heroin to ever hit the big screen. But having grown up on the original Star Wars trilogy, she holds a special place in my heart. I think she looks pretty damn cute in that first scene of A New Hope... not to mention the fact that she's isn't wearing a bra. George Lucas actually told Carrie Fisher not to wear a bra because he explained "there's no underwear in space." Something about your body expanding when you're weightless and the bra strangling you... Sounds like a lousy excuse if you ask me.

          4: Padme in Attack of the Clones
         Attack of the Clones is pretty difficult for me to sit through. But I'll admit it gets a little better toward the end - partially because thats when the action really begins and partially because Padme throws on that super sexy, skin-tight white outfit. While hot Natalie Portman scenes are a dime a dozen these days, I don't think there was anything better at the time. And while I'm not really a fan of the new trilogy, it would be shame to not include Natalie Portman somewhere on this list.

       3: The Incestuous Kiss

I don't care who you are; the Luke - Leia kiss doesn't sit well with anyone. It wasn't a big deal "for luck" in A New Hope. But the full, open mouth kiss in the beginning of Empire is just weird. I know people argue that she was just trying to make Han jealous... but it still doesn't change the fact that she kissed her brother. And after Luke reveals the truth to her in Return of Jedi, she tells him that "somehow she always knew." If that's true, than that kiss must have felt as awkward for her as it did for the rest of us. 

        2. Oola's Forgotten Nipple Slip

There is no nudity in the Star Wars movies. But there used to be. In Return of the Jedi, Jaba's slave dancer Oola actually had a brief moment of accidental nudity. While pleading with Jabba not to drop her into the Rancor pit, actress Femi Taylor's boob fell out - and that take somehow made it into the final cut of the movie. Of course, the effects geniuses over at ILM had no problem digitally removing the nipple for the Special Edition. I'd argue its the third worst thing they removed from the saga (behind the Original Anakin Skywalker and Han shooting first, of course)

        1. The Infamous Golden Bikini

Anyone who has seen the Star Wars movies knows that the sexual peak of the series was undoubtedly Princess Leia's slave outfit in Return of the Jedi. This outfit has since become a staple in the geek world - and will be forever. It seems every year, no matter what, there's at least one sexy slave bikini Leia at every Comic Con across the country. And while Leia may not be sexiest heroin ever, she definitely introduced us to one of the sexiest sci-fi outfits of all time. Just look at Oliva Munn and tell me I'm wrong!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Pilgrim Sex

I know its hump day... but tomorrow is Thanksgiving so I thought what better way to start the holiday than an entry on Good Ol' Fashioned Pilgrim Sex!  I know that some think Pilgrims didn't have sex for pleasure - and in some ways they're right.  Think about it... their clothing was drab and their houses were drab, so it isn't too far fetched to think that their sex-lives were boring.  Sermons have shown us what the "optimistic" pilgrims thought thought about sex. But sex aside, there was already this idea that all of God's creatures were damned right from the womb. Here's a pleasant little excerpt from a sermon by a guy named Thomas Shepard. I think it paints a pretty clear picture:

"Thy mind is a nest of all the foul opinions, heresies, that ever were vented by any man ; thy heart is a foul sink of all atheism, sodomy, blasphemy, murder, whoredom, adul-tery, witchcraft, buggery ; so that if thou hast any good thing in thee, it is but as a drop of rose-water in a bowl of poison.”

With such strict words, you'd think these pilgrims would be trying to embrace their "drop of rose water" and avoid things like whoredom, adultry and sodomy, right? Well... you're wrong. All of these and more were happening when the pilgrims were around.  Figures... I mean, what else was there to do back then?  There are actually court records documenting proof of these crazy pilgrim sex acts.  A healthy dose of lesbians, adulterers and incestuous lovers were all put on trial. There was even some bestiality.

Men who weren't hooking up with their buddies, their cousins, their neighbor's wives or their farm animals would generally try to court a woman when she was 14. Often, these guys would come into their lady's place of residence and spend lots of time with her and her family.  Here's the kicker: it was usually protocol for him to spend the night.  Where you may ask? Often a pilgrim's family would all share one big bed. And to think... we gave Michael Jackson such a hard time for this.  So he would actually just hop into bed with the family - usually next to his "wife to be." But they couldn't have the couple sexing in the family bed - so they'd put up a piece of wood called a bundling board in between the two. The idea was to create intimacy without intercourse.  Sounds like temptation island if you ask me...  More court records prove that this method didn't always work as many young lovers still found a way to get it on in the family bed - even with a board between them.  But lets face it; there's no stopping a horny man next to his virgin future wife.  

Bundling Board

There were also thought to be a few "peeping toms" around town. These sneaky guys took advantage of the low windows in most of the homes at the time. Figures with no internet, people had find some way to get fresh masturbation material. And its just common sense to think that many of these couples weren't just having sex to make babies. Some were having crazy pleasure-driven sex - the kind you'd want to watch! 

I know not all pilgrims were sex freaks. But a few of them certainly were. What I find interesting is that they tried so desperately to portray this image of being wholesome. Its even been recorded that they looked down on the sex acts of Native Americans, who embraced sex as a natural life force. And the truth is, they had it right. To deny the pleasure of sex is to deny a natural life force. Most of us can't do that. And why should we? The funny thing is, if they didn't look down on these crazy sex acts, they probably would have better portrayed their wholesome image. Thanks to them putting every sex freak on trial, we have historic court records of nearly every kinky pilgrim there was.


Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Naughty Housewares

With the holiday season right around the corner, a bunch of you are probobly already looking for gifts. Here are some sexy little presents I found that also have practical uses! Perfect stocking stuffers for that special someone that stuffs your stocking!

Love Love Love these glasses!  I actually happen to own the matching coasters.  Best part- they also have a Male Stripper counterpart.

The Japanese have done it again!  These are actually a set of foam legs that you sleep on!  Head and Torso sold separately.  

Add a penis to a lamp and you've got a new spin on the phrase "turning it on." And if you're not comfortable with touching a lamp's penis, you can always go for the infamous leg lamp.

And who doesn't love a good tea bag?

A sexy mouse is a clever idea considering your mouse gets most of its use clicking on porn. The finger motions of clicking and scrolling aren't bad practice either.

This product is called the "Karma Sheetra" for those of us who need a little assistance in the bedroom.  It's kind of like twister, but straight to the point.

This is an actually fishbowl with a dildo inside of it! While the concept is cool, I don't think the owner or fish are going to get any pleasure out of it...

While this boob vase is intended to hold flowers, it could also double as a milk jug.

Look out for more gift ideas in the coming weeks!